How To Say No

If you’re the kind of person who is always thinking of ways to please others, it can sometimes be very difficult to hold space for yourself.  This is especially true if you are an empath or hate disappointing others. Saying yes to everything is the fastest way to burn out and leave you curled up in the fetal position on the floor wondering how you’re ever going to get anything done (been there, done that!).

Saying yes to everything is the fastest way to burn out.

An important part of making health a priority, especially as a mom, can take some practice, but it’s an important thing to learn that can save you a lot of headaches. But what if you really don’t know how to say no?  For some people, thinking about that kind of confrontation can make you feel very uneasy. Your Human Design chart can give you a lot of insights as to why you have the tendency to say YES, but I’ll get to that in just a minute. For now, I want to send you with some actionable “outs” to be able to say NO nicely. If this is a problem for you as well, then you will be happy to see that there are plenty of polite ways to turn people down.

DON’T ALLOW RELATIONSHIPS TO CONTROL YOU

 When it’s important to say no, you should say no. Letting people push you into bad situations just because of who they are to you is never good, and this disrespectful behavior could cause potentially lasting harm. Every move you make with another person is setting a precedent between both of you. If you set proper boundaries now, then later on you can be more confident that you will be able to gauge their level of urgency. I’ve had to personally learn ( and re-learn! ) this one the hard way. My dad is the perfect example of someone who preys on people he knows will say yes. Or he will keep a mental record of people that “owe” him favors. I’ve had to learn that his help never comes for free. I will avoid it at all costs because he is the type of person who will come to collect his debt later on down the road. He won’t take no for an answer. I’ve also had to have the “boundaries talk” many times with him. In fact, I made him read one of my favorite books on boundaries. This book gives you the tool set in order to make healthy boundaries and in order to take back control of your life. I don’t have an affiliate link for this book, I just HIGHLY recommend it for those struggling with healthy boundaries.

REFER TO YOUR CALENDAR

 Another way to bow out of a request is to let them know that you will consider it if your schedule allows. This gives you the ability to say a soft no, but still have the ability to change your mind later. That means that you now have control over whether or not they are likely to ask that sort of request again in the future without making it difficult. If you know it’s a hard no, then you can simply contact them and let them know that you won’t be able to follow through when you aren’t face-to-face. I usually will refer to my kid’s schedule as a way out. Not only am I being completely honest- (because, lets face it, if you have kids, you are ALWAYS busy), but nobody will call “bullshit” on you telling them that you need to be there for your kids. One of the instant perks of being a parent is being able to pull out the “my kids have stuff going on that day” card!

LET YOUR WORK KEEP YOU BUSY

If you feel like you aren’t being a good friend and you’re still feeling sort of guilty, then you can actually fill your time with the things that you need to get done. Devote time to making sure that you have a more secure future, and that tasks are being taken off of your list. This will lower your stress level and give you some peace. If you’re a working mom, you know this one can be tricky. If anyone understands trying to juggle a career and having kids, it will be other mom friends. They’ll understand your no if you tell them how far behind you are on payroll, or a presentation for an upcoming meeting, or just trying to make it to the dry cleaner to get that 7-year-old spaghetti stain out of your nicest blazer.

SUGGEST ANOTHER CAPABLE PERSON

If you feel a bit more comfortable, try to find another person to do the request instead. There are some things that I am just not good at. I don’t enjoy attending PTO meetings, I will never be head room parent, and my baking skills are sub-par. But chances are, I know of someone who would be excellent at these things. This allows me to use my talents elsewhere. By elsewhere I mean from my home, in my pajamas, preferably with a glass of wine in hand. I used to say yes whenever approached to help, even though I knew it would send my anxiety into a frenzy. But now, for my own mental health, and the mental health of those around me, I know that saying NO is probably best. And I’m OK with that.

So why are some people more comfortable with saying no and some people saying no makes them want to crawl out of their skin?

Every person has a unique blueprint. The Human Design chart has some indicators as to why you’re saying YES to the things you really want to say NO to. What is Human Design? Human Design is the last personality assessment you will ever take. Human Design is a relatively new system of personality analysis that combines elements of Eastern and Western Astrology, the Chinese I’Ching, the Judaic Kabbalah (Tree of Life), the Hindu Chakra system and modern Quantum Physics.

Human Design can’t predict the future; however, when your start living your life out in the highest expression, it allows you to create your own luck, so to speak.  Your personal Human Design Map, calculated from your birth data, gives you very specific knowledge about how you process energy. It highlights your strengths, life purpose, how you use your energy, your personality traits, your talents, and much more.

By understanding your chart, you essentially have a personalized blue-print of how to live your life to the fullest to meet the least amount of resistance. If you want a FREE copy of your chart and how to read it, you can snag that here. Once you have a copy of your chart, see if you have any of these markers that make it more difficult for you to say NO. Here’s an example of what your chart will look like:

AN OPEN EMOTIONAL SOLAR PLEXUS

 The Emotional Solar Plexus is the triangle on the right side of the chart. Instead of it being yellow, your Emotional Solar Plexus will be white. All this means is that you deeply feel other’s emotions. Others may call you sensitive or overly emotional. But I suspect that you are highly empathic. Empaths can deeply feel others emotions, desires, and passions. When you tell someone no, you feel that person’s disappointment. When you can’t be at an event and you have to say no, you feel the other person’s sadness. You hate to rock the boat because you intensely feel the reaction that happens from you having to say no. So it’s easier for you to say YES and keep everybody happy. Feeling happy emotions are much better than feeling sad or angry emotions. My best advice to you is to say no and walk away. Walking away gets you out of the emotional aura of the person you are saying no to. If it’s over the phone, say no and quickly get off the phone. This will help with not feeling those “icky” emotions so much. You can get on to saying no, and not feel bad about it.

AN OPEN IDENTITY CENTER

If you have an open Identity Center (also called the G center), the diamond in the middle of your chart will be white instead of yellow. Those that have this center open can question their lovability. Saying no can be a hard thing to do if you feel like you won’t be loved in return if you let someone down. Boundaries will be especially important for those with open Identity Centers. You have to be able to be yourself, make your own choices, and tell others no without feeling like they won’t love you anymore. Having healthy relationships in the first place will be a key component in being able to say no. Trusted friends and loved ones in your inner circle can hear no from you without getting offended. Open and clear communication will be crucial for those who seem to never accept your no. You need to lovingly tell them how you feel when they don’t respect your boundaries. This may sever some relationships (I’ve had several relationships fall apart when I started standing up for myself). But I ask you- if you’re pleasing everyone, are you truly happy? If you can’t show up as your yourself, is this person worth having in your life?

THE YES GATE

 Gate 29 in the Human Design world is known as the YES gate. This number is located on the red square (2nd from the bottom) on the top right-hand corner. If you have a colored in line (either red, black, or both) coming from that number- you have constant access to this “yes” gate. The energy of this gate is all about commitment. However, the energy is supposed to only be used to make commitments to the right things. Chances are you’ve stopped using your gut instincts to make decisions. Try asking yourself yes/no questions. When someone asks you to do something, ask yourself- “Do I really want to say yes to this?” If you feel a strong no- then this isn’t something you’re supposed to commit to. Give yourself time to decide if you’re not sure.

 You may be wondering if you have any (or ALL) of these things present in your Human Design chart. If you struggle with saying no, a Human Design Reading could be exactly what you need to set healthy boundaries, start standing up for yourself, stop over-committing, and get your happiness back! I’d love to help you learn how to take ownership of saying no without the guilt and show up for your commitments in a way that feels good to you.

Much love to you,

xo